guilty

my baby has finally knocked his lil knuckle on heaven's gate. well, he is not biologically my baby. since i started my paediatrics rotation, i had been calling my lil patients 'my babies'. i talked to them. i cuddled them and sometimes its so nice to have them in your arms. they are tiny, warm, cute, rosy pink and active. Unfortunately, this baby was an exception. he was never active. Since he was tachypnoiec at birth, he was put on nasal CPAP for 14 days. He was perfectly fine until i was in charged of the ventilatory section of NICU. Blamed it on the death angle who has never failed to be my best friend. he was then intubated and requiring triple inotropic support. soon, he developed all the complications of prematurity - intraventricular haemorrhage, necrotising enterocolitis, jaundice and septicaemia. his septicaemia was so bad that it had led to panophthalmitis. we had no choice but to suture his eyelids to prevent exposure keratitis. when my specialist broke the bad news to the baby's parents, i felt like weeping. that was when i saw the never ending love that parents have for their newborn. Seeing their critically ill child brought tears to the mother's eyes. Being a strong devotee of buddhism, i believed that every sufferings will come to an end. God must have loved this tiny baby more than any of us. He was then gone, being supported only by ventilators and inotropes. His mother did not want us to off the ventilatory support. For goodness sake, that was her only child and soon i learnt that his father had an extramarital affair. How pitiful..... she lost her son and her husband. she has nothing left.

All in all, I hate cheaters and false hopes. I hate people who don't even know how to treasure me as a friend. For those who think that i am even worst than those unwanted people in your life, please stay away. I just want to be your friend. is it so difficult? I don't think i need you at all because i have a bunch of awesome girlfriends.

i guessed its time for me to pay more attention to the people around me. i just realized that even CCU staff nurses are taking good care of me. they changed the bedsheets for me and gave me a new blanket to sleep whenever i am postcall. Some of them are just like my mother. they made me feel so at home in SP. i felt so ashamed of myself for not knowing their names. i am so sorry if i had neglected anybody. i will grow up and be a better person. muacks!!